two lines and a year ago today

A year ago today, I saw two lines.

I remember seeing that second line instantly appear, closing my eyes and smiling as a feeling of gratitude swept over me. 

It wasn't at all expected, but I had no feeling of surprise. I felt like it had been meant to happen all along. It's hard to even explain. 

I had saved I Samuel 1:27 (For this child I have prayed...) to my phone just a few nights before. When I shared it with Dustin, he told me the name Samuel had popped into his head recently for no reason.

It just all felt so right. 

We told the kids right away and watched their faces light up as they fell in love with a little person that they'd never even seen. 

We chose the middle name for a boy or a girl and dreamed about life with another baby. 

On Warner's third birthday, a week later, it was all over. 

This loss was especially hard. 

I still find myself thinking about how old this sweet babe would have been. Nearly 4 months today.

It still hurts. 

But today I'm remembering the beauty of the day we made room in our hearts and dreamt together.

I am remembering all 4 sweet angels we keep in our heart.

I am grateful for the 4 amazing children we have in our arms. 

And I am sending love to this little one who I fell in love with so easily.

diastasis recti | before & during

Diastasis Recti before & during... after to come.

After 3 kids, I felt like I'd done pretty well in the stomach department. A few stretch marks here and there, but things generally went back into place as far as I could tell. I heard other moms talk about accidents when they laughed or jumped on the trampoline and felt SO lucky I'd escaped that fate. Whew! 

Well, after number 4, things didn't snap back into place quite the same. In fact, over time, things kinda bulged back out. I seriously looked preggo by the end of each day. Darn it! So, of course, I Googled. My research led me to realize I had Diastasis Recti, which is a separation of the abdominal muscles. The more I read, the more confused I became on what workouts were safe and which were doing more harm than good. So, I did nothing. For way too long. 

Finally, about a year ago, I was OVER it. We had won an amazing free cruise, and I seriously stressed over being in a swimsuit. I have a lot of thoughts on that. We should always feel good in our own skin, but here I was and my stomach felt foreign. It wasn't the stomach I'd always had. So, when we got back, I signed up for a program called MUTU System. I did really great for a while, then stopped. Then I restarted in October at the same time as I did my first Whole30. I lasted 2 days. Total fail. Since then, I've done the workouts here and there, but not in a focused way. Even with just limping through the program, I've had great results! 

This "during" picture is a result of two Whole30s, the MuTu program, saying buh-bye to alcohol, and focusing on my posture throughout the day per the Mutu program. It's not where I want to be in the end, but it's solid progress! 

This time around, I've baby-stepped toward this and am completely committed to finishing out the entire 12 weeks, so I'm putting it all out there to hold myself accountable. I'll be walking every day, eating clean (third round of Whole30 starts April 2), doing my yoga, and doing my daily MuTu workout. No excuses. It is happening. I deserve to feel confident in my own skin! "After" pic coming in 12 weeks. 

Y'all, if you have a less-than-flat post-baby tummy, this program is amazing! I can't recommend it enough. Gorgeous workout videos, tons of great info and support, and even a program full of great workouts to continue doing after the program is over! Oh, and it's on your own time, so you can take 12 weeks, or 12 months. Whatever you need to do! 

Check it out here: mutumamas.com 
(I don't make anything if you click this link, btw... I just love the program!)