Be Still and Know.
We’ve all heard that, but if we’re honest, maybe it just seems cliche’ and inapplicable.
As a mama, I remember wanting that stillness but feeling so far away from being able to rest in it. It was like a vacation I knew I wanted to take… someday…. when the kids were grown.
I even got myself a necklace a few years ago that reminds me to be still - I just knew that the sweetness of life is in that stillness.
Knowing something intellectually, though, and knowing something so deeply in your heart that you can’t help but pursue it fully are two very different things.
See, I thought that DOING was the path to realizing my dreams.
It’s a path I ran, climbed, and tripped my way down for years.
BEING seemed inherent and obvious, and not-so-much something to prioritize on my mental to-do list.
But, somewhere on that path of doing, doing, doing, I got lost.
I don’t mean I lost my way. Although, I did.
I don’t even mean I lost sight of why I was running or where I was going. Although, I did.
I mean I lost myself.
I lost who I am. I lost my purpose and connection to God.
I was so busy doing, that I didn’t even see how empty and broken I was becoming. I was hustling away as my energy and spirit dwindled right out of me. It took nearly losing my daughter and a miscarriage to finally crack right open.
Gosh, I’m stubborn though. I was gonna make myself whole again. I was going to fill my cup back up and mend all the cracks.
So, I did more. The more I did for others and the more I achieved, the more I felt useful and needed. Turns out the ego can’t trick the heart into feeling full for very long though.
I drank more wine. It’s easy to feel satisfied if you aren’t feeling anything at all. Again, that doesn’t really work so well in the end.
I read more. Self-help books and devotionals feel SO good to read, but without applying it all, what good does it do?
That still, small voice in my heart kept calling me to stillness and I kept on plugging my ears like a child and doing, doing, doing.
[ Be still ]
[ Remember who you are ]
[ Remember who I made you to be ]
But I didn’t know how.
I had forgotten how to be still and I definitely didn’t feel like I knew who I was meant to be anymore.
We can’t just not do anything, right? Complacency and comfort is a slippery slope. Laziness is the worst.
So, I did something uncomfortable. I canceled my wine club subscription and committed to a year of sobriety. And it was hard… until it wasn’t. So I did some more uncomfortable things.
I worked with life-coaches digging into my purpose and the ghosts of my past.
I started going for bodywork every other week, balancing my chakras, releasing emotional trauma I’d held onto for too long, and relaxing deeply so I could hear my own heart.
I spent more time with my kids just listening and laughing and being together… not just homeschooling them and making sure their chores were done. Building relationships.
I started meditating and practicing stillness and that still, small voice got louder. And louder.
The veil has begun to lift so I can see the doing for what it was.
Ego. Fear. Misguided good intentions. Mistaken identity.
It feels GOOD to be needed…. but also what if they don’t really need me after-all?
It feels GOOD to help others…. but can I even help myself?
It feels GOOD to achieve… because I am probably not enough without those achievements.
It feels GOOD to contribute financially… because what if raising good humans isn’t enough?
What if the world actually keeps on spinning without all my doing?
It’s a humbling experience to realize that so much of my motivation had gone outside of my original God-given purpose.
In reality, none of what we do is who we are and who we are is already enough. The smallest acts, even just within our home, can be the most impactful and important things we do in our lifetime.
We were all made with a purpose and not one of us will see that purpose lived out in comfort without doing anything.
It’s not that doing is a bad thing.
But the being has to come before the doing.
Be still and know.
Just sit and listen to that voice in your heart. Connect with God. Let go of your idle thoughts and to-do lists long enough to reset the compass.
It may only take a few minutes…. or maybe, like me, you’re so deep into the woods that it will take a year and counting to find your center again and make your way into the light.
Maybe, like me, it will take a whole lot of unplugging, and letting go of tangible results to achieve the ultimate dream of knowing yourself as the person you were knit together to become in the first place… then getting out of your own way to see your purpose unfold in the world around you.
Stillness. It’s the most minimalistic to-do list I’ve ever had.
I’m learning to BE.
Doing less. Being more.
It’s enough.