breathe

BREATHE

A piece of my heart tried to slip away from from my grasp. There was too much of too many feelings for one moment to hold. Too much fear and grief and fight in my body to make any sense of. 

Our hearts have the capacity for so much more than our minds. While my heart was broken and shaken and changing forever, my mind was still and clinging to one thought.

Breathe.

While my beautiful daughter was laying there with a still heart, mine became an unrelenting roll of thunder. While she had no breath in her lungs, my husband gave her all of his breath and I held mine. She is a piece of us. 

It turns out we are all only seconds away from our worlds becoming unrecognizable. The reality of that is both terrifying and beautiful. 

Life is so precious. We take for granted the normalcy of our days and expect the next day to be waiting for us when we lay down to sleep. 

The day I became a mother, preserving life became my full-time job. I had to protect my children and their survival depended on me and my husband. We needed each other. Death became terrifying. So, I bought the best carseats and baby monitors, crept into their room at night to see if they were breathing, doused them in oils to support their little bodies, and obsessed over feeding them all the right foods. These things were in our control. These things made me feel safe. 

We stood on the edge and took in the view. In a minute that lasted an eternity, we saw life without Quincy. That filter colors everything now. 

Hugs linger, talks are longer, laughs are deeper and happy moments feels better than they used to. Alongside that, the grief and fear is raw just under the surface all the time. Tears fall seemingly out of nowhere. 

Five days later, my body still feels what my mind can't comprehend. My stomach is twisted, my chest is tight, my heart is fluttering and I shake like I've had a whole pot of coffee.

As mothers, fathers, caregivers of these precious lives, we can only do our best. I will still creep in at night to see if they are breathing, feed them the best foods I can, rub them down with essential oils and protect their safety however I can. These things are in my control. 

All of my life I have battled with God. There have been seasons of leaning in and seasons of turning my back. I have heard people say, "It was God." and wondered what they meant or even shook my head at their easy explanation for what they couldn't explain. Now I know. 

It was God.

I felt God there that night and I can't explain it any other way. Dustin and Lawson saved her life, but they were not alone. Quincy being here today and well is truly a miracle. 

We only have so much in our control and the rest is out of our hands. So, we pray and trust and find peace in Him. We breathe in the life we've been given.

I am so grateful for all of the prayers, love and grace you have given our family. It's indescribable. God is so good and we are so blessed. 

One breath at a time. One hug at a time. One day at a time. We will heal.